Seven years ago, I found myself trapped in a cave - fighting for my life after cliff jumping next to a waterfall. The only thing I could hear was the pounding the waterfall next to me; I didn't think any of my friends were around to know that my life was almost over.
Just as I was sure that the end was near, I heard a splash in the water. My friend Stevie had jumped in to rescue me. He looked into my eyes, reached out his arm, and told me to hold on tight. I did just as he said, relieved and more thankful than ever. He pulled me over to the ledge and handed me off to a friend.
I crawled up onto the rock wall and laid on my back catching my breath. Suddenly my friend started to yell, "Stevie!" I jolted up and saw that Stevie had been pulled by the current into the cave. He fought and swam back to the wall but lost his grip and was yanked back over to the middle of the cave. Two other friends ran over, but it was too late. Stevie had gone under, and his body was thrown over a small waterfall and into a shallow stream.
My friends jumped into the shallow stream to pull Stevie out. His body was limp and heavy in their arms; his lips were blue, and his skin was pale. They laid him onto the grass and the guy I had been dating at the time began giving him CPR while Stevie's girlfriend screamed for him to wake up.
My friend, Bailey was at the top of the cliff and ran to a nearby house to get help. I noticed that Stevie's feet were still in the icy-cold water, so I grabbed them, wrapped them in a towel, and held them against my stomach as I stared into his eyes, shocked. His baby blue eyes were blank and staring into the sky. He had an eerie, peaceful look on his face, and that's when I realized that he wasn't with us any longer.
I had never heard the term "survivor guilt", but felt it immediately. His friends and family's pain and suffering were my fault; at least that was what I had believed. I went on for years feeling like I needed to fulfill some sort of purpose, which was a lot of pressure to put on one's self. Instead of seeking out that purpose, I dulled my pain by partying. I drank and smoked weed a lot. It helped temporarily, but the feelings wouldn't go away.
I was on a path that didn't give me any satisfaction. I was living with a boyfriend whom I was growing away from, partying every weekend, and working at a hair salon, which wasn't challenging me. Finally, I decided to change it all. I broke up with my boyfriend, packed up my hair tools at the salon, and moved back into my parents' house - unemployed and single. What the hell had I just done?
I was feeling more lost than ever when I stumbled onto Steve Jobs' commencement speech that he gave at Stanford University. He said that you cannot connect the dots looking forward, you can only do so looking back. He said to keep searching for your what it is that will make you feel alive. He assured the audience that they would find it if they kept searching.
I did just that. I moved into my own apartment, started bartending, and saved up enough money to move to California with a friend. That was a scary thing to do and it was amazing. I fought my fears and was forced to make all new friends. I had to learn how to get around in town. The unfamiliarity of it all made life interesting, and I learned so much about who I was and what I was capable of.
I wound up moving back home because I realized that I belonged there, and I came back with a new appreciation for my family and friends. I began searching for a career that I would excel in and wound up in Property Management, which I absolutely love.
Although I finally found a career that I enjoyed and moved into my own apartment which I loved, I still had a strong urge to find a purpose. I kept having these nagging urges to inspire others, and they just kept getting stronger and stronger until I had an idea.
One night, I was lounging on my couch, watching a movie with a glass of wine. Out of nowhere, I had an idea. When I was in high school I was getting into a lot of trouble. My parents were so fed up with me, that they sent me to a treatment center in Montana. There were kids in elementary school through high school; they struggled with drugs, suicide tendencies, loss of identity, and some were orphans with no home.
I sat up on my couch and looked up the email address for the administrators of the school and began to write about the loss of my friend, my loss of identity, and about my soul-searching experience. I explained how I had finally gotten myself onto the right path and told them that I would love to speak to the students about finding purpose. I told them that I would like to inspire them to use their struggles to help others and to be thankful for the place that they are in.
In 2009, ABC's 20/20 invited me and my friends out to the cliffs to tell our story, so I included that in the email as well (see below).
About two weeks later, I received an email back. The woman who wrote me back thanked me and said that she would be happy to set up an assembly for me. She said that the video made her and other staff members cry, and she asked if we could include that in my speech.
I will be driving out to Montana at the end of August with my sister and one of my best friends and am ecstatic. Steve Jobs said, "You've got to find what you love. As with all matters of the heart, you'll know when you find it." I get it now.
I'm going up to the cliffs soon to get some inspiration and will write the speech in the hotel room. I haven't been back there in five years, so I'm a bit nervous but excited at the same time.
I cannot wait to share my story and hope that this won't be the last time. I have never felt so fired up about something like this; the feeling is amazing and I'm beginning to understand why people always talk about doing what you're passionate about.
I will keep you all updated on this new venture!
Here is that 20/20 segment I was talking about:
4 Tips For Creating Success
3 Characteristics of a Beautiful Person
Why You Must Have a Bucket List
4 Reasons Reliable People Have More Friends
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